THE RIDE HOME

you guys! i have lots of pictures to share, my internet was down last week, and basically if internet is down, laptop does not open.

last weekend we went to the UT county to hang out with some friends. while we were talking i was reminded of some classic tales i really must share.

......

The summer between my junior and senior year of high school, I went to Hurricane(basically St. George) for three weeks to help babysit my cousins & hang out while they were remodeling their home. My Uncle Mark is the king of hooking you up with a ride if you need it up north by the way, so when time came he tapped into his bank of connections. I honestly don't know if he really knew who I would be riding with, but I feel like it was a friend-of-a-friend type situation.

The minivan pulls up, I toss my bags in the back and get in the minivan with a group of strangers. Before the sliding door is even slammed I am clamoring to get out. There is a horrible smell and it needs to be identified & exterminated. It didn't take long to get to the culprit. Driver's daughter is in full out rebellion of modern day society, some refer to her as a hippie. she had hair coming out of her armpits, no shoes, dirty clothes and dreads for days. she was estinky. At least I'm all the way in the back so I'll just catch occasional whifs. I will survive!
As I put my discman headphones on, Driver's son (about 10) starts talking to me.

Son: Do you have a lot of weeds?
Me: uhh, sure..
S: Do you have a weed eater?
M: No.
S. Does your dad have a weed eater?
M: Yes.
S: My dad has a weed eater, it's green! It is so powerful, and better than your dad's.

Son: Do you have a lot of weeds?
Me: uhh, sure..
S: Do you have a weed eater?
M: No.
S. Does your dad have a weed eater?
M: Yes.
S: My dad has a weed eater, it's green! It is so powerful, and better than your dad's.



REPEAT FOR SIX HOURS.


I finally pretend to be asleep so he'll stop talking. I really do fall asleep, during which Driver's son pillages the bag of snacks my aunt prepared for me, mostly consisting of cheese and crackers. I am awakened by the aromatic scent of 10 year old farts, and superbly bad breath 4 inches away from my face.

As if I am not mad enough at my uncle for purposely planning my torture for six hours, Hippie full on vomits all over the front seat. No problem, I think everyone has worked up quite the appetite by smelling BO & pre-teen gas. This really just sealed the deal. Let's stop at ARBY'S!

... I've never jumped out of a car so fast.

just that brotherly love.

so much to say, not enough time but what am I saying I've been drinking my bengal spice tea and having a twitter war with my brothers (i'm new on the twitters! @andreakjardine). basically they would kill me off an island first if we were stranded. it was unanimous. no discussion. I can't believe it.

(but since we are not on an island, they will keep me alive for now.)

also, just so you know, i had a horrible case of self induced pre-teen acne on my face last week that you would NOT BELIEVE. It's because I waxed my face. yeah, the whole thing! you know why? At the football game (where the picture was taken), Taylor & Kenny were touching my face making fun of me saying I had tons of facial hair. I played it cool, but instantly called my waxing bff and she waxed it right off. 

so i have sensitive skin apparently. 

every pore of my face reacted in red bumps and broke out. over a FIVE day span. and then got better. 

please remind me not to listen to my brothers anymore! 

They think I'm hairy and want me dead.

How to make your teacher fail you.

The components:

Math teacher... didn't like me. seriously. he was even rude to me in front of my dad!
Math... didn't like me.
Me... didn't like math teacher. or math. or paying attention. mostly liked goofing off with Evan.
Evan... good friend that was my partner in the goofing off business. and was always drawing fat cats.
Cat socks... pair of socks i owned with cats on them. one cat had a speaker inside of it. making cat meow noises.

The story:

I wore these socks to the dreaded math class, and crossed my ankles. If I pushed them together just right, I could make my sock meow!  I did it a couple times during Math Teacher's lecture. A quizzical look came upon his face, he would concentrate intently, listening... and then would go back to lecturing away. Well after about 5 rounds of this and my silly stupid grin he figured out it was me. He pulled Evan (I'm actually not sure his part in this, but he was there!) & me out of class and gave us a huffy lecture out in the hall. I have no idea what he said because I thought I was so awesome for getting him riled up. 

The moral:

Looking back, I could pretend like I learned tons of life lessons from this experience, but mostly I still think it's really funny. (um, because I'm really not that mean!)

Oh my. I blame it on hair dye, acrylic nails and tanning.

work it girl

Hey y'all! I've been busying around and I will update for real soon, but I wanted to share the goodness with you.

One of my new favorite things is working out in the late PM. It's the best. Nobody's around so I can prance around the ladies workout room and take up as much room as possible.

I found out I used to practice a different method to get my heartbeat up:

11.26.97 (6th grade)

Dear Diary,

Today was our last school day of the week, because Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and then we get 1 “vacation” day off... I played with Charisse until 9:10 pm. We played at her house. Charisse & I exerguysed. It’s where you watch an aerobics tape and talk about boys, or else you turn on romantic music, exercise and talk about boys. We also watched a movie called Beautician & the Beast. It’s a pretty good movie. I also made angels with hersheys kisses, pipe cleaner and ribbon. They turned out really cute!

Love,

Andrea Jardine

the time my photographer had the night off.

so i finally let frieda(my profesh photog of course) have the weekend off. it is so hard to follow me around all the time getting perfect photos of how glam/vintage/perfectly mismatched/disheveled i look. so i said "frieda, don't worry! i'll take it from here."

...

first couple are pretty norm.

i took these because i was really excited about my vintage/thrifted ralph lauren blazer that i altered myself.

front

back

annnnd, we're good right?

wrong.

so wrong.

... turns out self timer is pretty much the best thing ever invented.

watch out, a little ham and eggs (couture style) comin' atcha!

then it went mobile. to the kitchen!

things had to stop when the scissors came out.

ha. i was totally drunk on the self-timer.

phew. thank goodness for frieda!

i'm not stalker-friendly

long story short:

i was newly single, summer 2009.

thought i needed to give my digits to everyone.

mike came in to the buckle, asked for my #.

why not, he's seems decent.

3 hours later, i regretted that decision.

blowing up my phone with calls, texts, voicemails... I instantly decide i will never hang out with him.

he continues to text me every couple weeks "let's go get drinks" "come to temple square with me and my family" "let me take you on a walk" "when can i see your cute butt?" to the first couple i kindly declined. after that, i stopped responding all together.


August 2009

he comes into the buckle. asks to talk to me alone. i show him to the belt section of the store. he says "i'm not crazy or stalking you, i just really want to get to know you, blah blah blah". I say "sorry, i have a boyfriend" he says "well if you ever want to go to lunch, just let me know, the ball's in your court". ok great, i'll never talk to you again!



dun, dun, dun...



Christmas 2009. I am working at an apartment complex. christmas eve eve i get a call from my pal Cat. she is scream/laughing hysterically. "crazy mike came in and dropped off a card for you". i make her open it & read it to me over the phone. she has to pull over on the freeway to mentally prepare herself.



The letter reads...
(editor's note: i did not make any spelling corrections. or add in the smiley faces.)



Hey Andrea :)


your probably thinking that this guys nut's but i just wanted to show you that i'm the real deal and seriously have never felt the way i did when i first met you, about anyone(underlined 3 times). you just have the most amazing spark and light in your eye's, I had to give this one more try!! Look(with eyeballs in the o's), you are freaking amazing to me in everyway. I know we all look in the mirror sometimes and see our drawbacks or faults, but to me you really are perfect. I'm not crazy, in LaLa land, or at all desperate; I would just really like to get to know you and maybe take a walk. Now I don't care if you have a boyfriend just as long as your not married yet @ least want you as my friend :). K so I'm rambling now but it's Christmas! yeah and i bought you a little gift, not as a bribe or a guilt trip but just to say I really really do think you are the most special girl I've ever met. I've gone to that dang buckle store for the past 5 years and have always thought this way. one time you helped me order a belt in my size and I thought my heart was going to explode! But when i saw your wedding ring, this was like 3 years ago, "it killed me", but now your not and all i want for christmas is a date or even lunch with you cutie. if you don't feel this @ all I'll quit bothering you and wish ya the best, but i want you to know i'm trying my butt off here, trying not to be overbearing, but suddle. so you gave me your #6 months or so ago and don't know how i fell out of the game after our first few text. excuse my handwritting it sucks but here's a little card and a fun gift for the sweetest, hottest, perfect girl i've ever met!!! i so feel like this is the movie serendipity! if you haven't seen it you have to watch it!!


Later,


Mike

Ps Text me and let me know you got this


Serendipity? Really?

AND! and, the gift card is from Abercrombie & Fitch. which is weird because i worked at the buckle for 5 years, why would you get me something from a teeny bopper store? anyway, besides the point. Cat & I look up the amount online & it. is. for. $200. $200!! that is out of control.



to wrap up this long story short made longer again:



i get into a texting war with him



"thanks, i can't accept the gift, leave me alone"

"how do you know you don't want to marry me?"

"i don't know you and I'm engaged (slight lie)"

"give me a chance"

"no! leave me alone"

and so on and so forth.



he leaves me alone for the most part. He did send me a text last february asking if he could buy me a birthday gift. i didn't respond. He also sent me another text last week asking when my birthday was again. i have 3 of his numbers saved. mike, stalker mike, and DO NOT ANSWER.

THE END.. or is it?

ps. i just spent the gift card 3 weeks ago on some sweats & hoodies. tried to take the giant FITCH off of everything, but now my sweatpants just say ITCH. it's funny.

pps. hopefully this goes without saying, but this is not a self-gratification post. just want to share my crazy stories!

funny thoughts

Not that I'm the best person to be doling out life advice to everyone, but if there's one thing that's helped me keep my chin up during some not-so-easy times, it's having a fall-back funny thought. No matter what, it will always make me smile.

I have a couple:

1-I remember the time I got stuck in a folding chair(I was like 7, give me a break), and was rolling around the family room floor downstairs trying to get out of it. I was screaming and crying for my mom to come rescue me! I heard her fly down the stairs and enter the family room, only to collapse on the couch in a hysterical fit of laughter! She barely had enough strength to get me out of the thing, but once she did I know that I gave her the silent treatment for at least 15 minutes.

2- (please don't delete me as a friend for this) When I was 9 I imagined about how hilarious it would be for a big giant horse to have a human-sized bum, just like a little jutted out bum. yes, I still think that's funny. and no, I can't explain it.

Please tell me the things that can always put a smile on your face. I would love it.

quick! hide!

I was stopping at the 7-11(as I often do) for a well-balanced breakfast and was in quite the hurry. After I made my purchase, I ran out the door, clicked my little keyless entry thing-a-majig, and tugged on the door, but no entry. I tried once more before I realized that I was, in fact, standing at a Toyota Corolla. For the record, I drive a much more prestigious Mitsubishi Galant. They don't look very much alike.

I scanned my surroundings, making sure nobody had seen me, and also to find out where I parked! Once I discovered little galante, I hid my face in shame and hightailed it out of there!

Good morning to you!